THE CYCLE OF THE SOUL
Part I
The Material Life

Jozef Rulof

World Wide Web version
© 2014 'De Eeuw van Christus'

There was a continual change in my feelings that kept me busy, it made me think and feel and at the same time work it out. It taught me much and I came to know the many traits of my character and learned to suppress all those desires, so that I learned to accept.

The silence was horrible, it was as if death himself was grinning at me. Soon he will be able to take possession of my body, though there would not be much left of it. I felt him waiting for me and sooner or later he would come for me. Then I would give myself up, for he was dear to me, very dear. My love for him had grown. This will sound strange but yet I am speaking the truth.

Whenever the darkness was around me, I became frightened. The night before I had thought that I was not alone any more. I thought I saw shadowy shapes that floated around me, upward and down. I looked at them, then I shut my eyes tightly, but I could still see them. When I opened my eyes after a long time, they were gone and my fear disappeared. Whenever evening approached and night was near, I began to shudder. All these incidents would drive me insane, I found that prospect horrible and I would not want that to happen. I wanted to remain in full possession of all my mental faculties to the very last hour.

The following night I saw them again. They even looked like people! That I could not believe, since I was here all alone and I did not want to put ideas into my head. However, soon it could not be denied any longer. I began to see them ever more sharply outlined and I did not know how to resist or close my mind to them any more, so that I yearned for daybreak. The nights now became a frightening torment to me. Something like this had never happened to me before. It had to undermine my physical strength for I could not stand that strain much longer, of that I was sure. When I watched this it was as if my soul wept. I sat there petrified, very still and did not move, I did not dare. Every night they returned, what was I to do? I squirmed and wriggled, closed my eyes and thought of other things, still they kept coming and ruined my rest that I needed so badly.

When it was day I was sure that I must have imagined it, but the nights always proved me wrong. A night now lasted an eternity for me. There was no end in sight and I was at my wit’s end. They were just like people, they had bodies like you and me, but still they looked like animals, for there was an indescribable quality of cruelty, fear and destruction surrounding them. I imagined nothing, I would not be able to, for I had too much plain common sense and had been a seeker all my life. What it all meant I did not know yet, but they were not going to bring me much good. They went wherever they wanted, I saw them vanish through the thick walls and reappear again. At least they enjoyed freedom. They were everywhere, for I saw more and more, above, below and beside me, they even went right through me. I had never heard of anything like it. What kind of beings were they, that is if they were beings? They became more and more visible to me, I even saw their hands which looked like claws. Were these people or animals, did they live in this world or in an other world? I wondered what the meaning of all this was. Then one night I saw their eyes which glowed like fire and that’s when I started to believe they were people. But where they came from I did not know.

By day I pleaded for help for it would make me mad. Wasn’t there any God then? Must I live through it all? During the day I saw nothing for I was mostly asleep, but I did not want to sleep, I wanted to stay awake, so that I would sleep at night and would not see them. However, I did not succeed in staying awake and so the day had become night for me and the night turned into day. A strange situation, the one torment was even more horrible than the other and at the moment I had many of them. I called for mercy, but I saw no change. All my cries for help went for nothing, God was deaf to me, if there was a God. I now began to doubt even more, there was nothing left in me that believed in anything. A God would not sanction this for it was impossible to endure. Sometimes I shouted it out, not softly but very loud and still nothing, nothing at all, no help. Finally I gave up. There was no God, people just imagined Him. In the meantime those beings just went on making my life a hell, they ignored me though I pleaded and begged.

As soon as twilight set in, darkness engulfed me. Then I crouched down to wait. My suffering was unbearable. It was so dark that I could not see a hand before my eyes. There I trembled and shook, in the grip of my nerves. Yet a human being is very tough, but how little can one withstand in life.

My thoughts when I was brought here were that I would not be able to stand it for long, but time passed and the relief of death did not happen, though I was nothing but a skeleton. Still a human being can endure a great deal, because in my former cell I already collapsed when nothing had happened yet.

It was still and frightening around me and I felt that they would come. I saw movement already. Sometimes hours went by in which I did not see anything and then I tried to sleep but without success. I did not want to be so frightened any more and resisted it, then perhaps things would change. Presently I saw beside me some beings and an ice-cold current of air passed through me. What was happening now? But they went away and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then I must have fallen asleep, for when I woke up it was day. Thank God, they had let me get some rest last night. I felt fortunate and thankful that I had slept and not seen these beings. I did not feel like eating, neither did I feel thirsty and this too was quite unusual. It grew colder all the time and I had to try and do something about that. I could stand anything, if only those mysterious beastpeople or whatever they were would stay away. My fear for the night grew more intense. If only I knew where the end lay.

Suddenly I thought of Marianne again, I had not thought of her for a long time. I had been preoccupied, for so enormously much was happening here on which my mind had to work. But these last few nights I had not seen any shadowy forms and I could think of other things. I already was inclined to think that I had been mistaken and that the darkness had played tricks on me.

Poor Marianne! How was she getting along? When I thought of her motherhood I became angry. Why did I have to meet her again in this way? But she had known nothing of my life, she did not even know whether I still was alive. Would her deed cause her to have to make good? I myself was already atoning for my deed and later would go into hell. It still was not enough; when I thought of that and of my approaching end I fearfully cringed. All these horrors, with still the prospect of being doomed? My soul shuddered at the thought.

I forgave Marianne everything and I would always love her. She had begged me not to spend thoughts on her life, but I loved to do that, it killed the time for me. I felt my love awakening again, because I was longing for some warmth. The more I suffered, the more my love for her grew. It was balm on the wounds, it gently stroked my inner being. But only her I loved, I felt nothing for any God or other person. Sometimes I thought that I heard Marianne pray. Was such possible? I pushed such thoughts away from me for I was not going to fool myself.

He, the Creator of heaven and earth could save me. How is it possible, I pondered, that my thoughts always return to God? I did not believe in Him, but there was something within me that kept reminding me of Him. I considered it very strange, just as everything else had been, including my whole life. It welled up from the depth of my innermost being. Did I then really have anything to do with God? Did something of Him live in me? Why always these questions and why do I have to think about it over and over again? It felt as if I was part of Him and could not free myself of it, my thoughts always came back to Him.

Whenever I thought of Marianne and felt her love, the next thing that came to my mind was God. Why that taunting, had I not suffered enough? Was God pressing His Love upon me?

How readily I would love You, You God of Love, but see all what is clashing, what is unjust.

Forcefully I suppressed all these feelings for God and Marianne. Yet my longing for love returned, I hungered for its warmth, no, I begged for it. That other agony I did not even feel any longer, only this. It disturbed the quiet of my soul, it tormented me so horribly that I felt I was lying on the spiritual rack. Was this love? Or was I imagining?

Oh, to get a smile from her, to see her before me; she who was mine only, would make my happiness so great beyond comprehension and expression in words.

From one thought I came to another and I could feel in my thinking that my brain was becoming confused. God, Marianne, love, food and drink, those creatures and my whole life were driving me mad.

Yet strange as it may seem, I began to long for those shadowy figures, because I was afraid that I would lose my sanity. It meant a kind of diversion for me, the time passed more quickly and so I kept myself occupied. It is true that I felt that I was becoming the plaything of my thoughts. I was tossed everywhere, left and right, but I would rather dash my head against the wall than become insane, which seemed completely unbearable to me.

The thoughts of love in me, hurt me, but also warmed me. When I had my freedom I had not quite felt that warmth of love, now, however, it was as if that love was expanding, becoming greater and more true. How could I love now. I wished for nothing else than to give love, to care for my love, to smile at her and protect her, then I would consider myself in paradise.

I did not want to love as other people thought they did, no, not like that. I wanted to be one of feeling, of understanding and of thought. Then I would see God in her, in her I could feel God. As an artist I could not yet do so and therefore I now understood that the suffering I now received and experienced ripens, must ripen, the love of people, because I began to appreciate what I once had and now lacked. You see, that’s what I thought of and what I felt within me; it burned in my soul and I let it burn because in this cold it did me good. My heart and my whole being wept and shouted for it.

So the days and nights passed.

For some time now I had not seen the shadows any more. I began to long for them, because thinking like this was also hard to take. I did not care any more whether it was day or night. It was all the same to me. I had completely run out of thoughts. I had no more desires or longings for something dear. I only felt empty and tired, for I thought everything was unjust and merciless.

Some protection against the cold was given me, which made me very happy. Now I could brave that long winter when necessary, if death did not come to call on me first.

Again I sat in my little corner, because trudging around my cell, always round and round, made me dizzy and in this way I waited for the things that were to come.