THOSE WHO CAME BACK
FROM THE DEAD

Jozef Rulof

World Wide Web version
© 2014 'De Eeuw van Christus'

I had fallen asleep where I had been sitting. Again I dreamt that I was on earth and saw my wife in conversation with someone else. The dialogue I heard became fateful.

‘Yes’, I heard my wife say, ‘you hear this now that he is dead. It is hard to believe, who would have thought that? I think it is terrible!’

‘Yes’, the other person said, ‘it happens that you are mistaken about someone. Everyone has his secrets. You get to know them after they have died.’

Secrets, I thought and I began to feel frustrated. What secrets?

My wife went on: ‘Oh, if only he were still alive.’

I heard her continue though it was lost on me because I was angry. I thought I would suffocate. What did she know about me? What had I done? Surely that was not possible? I was quite ignorant. Had somebody told lies about me? What kind of talk was that ‘if only he was still alive’? Wasn’t I alive now? She had touched me to the depth of my soul. That was the limit, hadn’t I had enough misery?

In this state of mind I woke up and thought about this conversation. It made me nervous and I began to feel angry. Who could have thought that? Did she believe this gossip? Didn’t she know me better? Had she no faith in me? Had I deceived her, was I a cheat?

I felt my illness take hold of me again with all those other earthly torments. Thousands of thoughts stormed my mind.

No, this was too much for me. Had I ever deceived her? Could she think about me the way she did? Who was that other person? What did she mean by: ‘It is terrible’ and ‘now that he is dead you find out about him’? Oh, I wish I could stop, my own thoughts made me dizzy. I would cure her of that, I wanted to find out who spoke to her like this behind my back.

My throat swelled up again and I got very thirsty. I tried to calm myself down but I couldn’t. Once more my thoughts returned to the earth, I wanted to know the truth. Who stained my name? Who made me appear bad after my death on earth? I had arrived in a state I had never experienced before. On top of that I was very thirsty for the pain in my throat and the illness returned. Was there no end to all this? I felt a stabbing pain in my chest and the fear returned which I had suffered on earth.

I screamed for help but there was nobody near me. Then I called for the brother but he did not come either. So I remained alone in all this agony and misery. I wanted to put an end to all those wicked rumours, I was not dead, I was alive, and I had not deceived her, never! I would show her that I need not be ashamed. I was not mean as she thought I was.

I feared I would go mad and in desperation I beat myself on the chest with clenched fists so that I thought I would faint. I jumped up from where I had been sitting and walked around like a caged animal. I could barely utter a sound any more and I felt my body glow as it had done on earth when the fever was at its highest.

But I had to keep calm for I went from bad to worse and was incapable of doing anything. I wanted to be calm and think but I was unable to however much I tried. I had gone too far, I had lost my self-control and felt as if flung from one direction to another.

Where was the brother, why was I left on my own? I could hardly look out of my eyes, nature and everything around me changed. The light I had observed faded and it was as if it became dark. No light, nobody to ask a question!

My God, have You no pity on my? What have I done to suffer so much?

‘God’, I cried, ‘God, please help me! If there is a God, how can You really let this happen? Why do they leave me alone here? I am going mad, I am going mad.’

I forced myself to keep calm, and I managed to some extent. I wanted to think, I had to find out the truth. I thought at the beginning when I arrived here with the brother and he told me about everything that lived here. I could remember every word. Then sleep overcame me and I had dreamt. Now pay attention I said to myself and keep calm. In my dream I heard speak, then I woke up, I lost my temper and the old symptoms returned. That cursed illness, when for goodness sake would I recover? But that was not a matter of importance now. It was about that claptrap, I wanted to know why she spoke like that. I could not shake off my illness. It crept in my body again and I felt as I had on earth.

Dreadful, I thought, in what state am I? All that spiritual nonsense about this and that, I would go crazy of all that spiritual stuff. And that is what I would have to acquire? I was not myself and would never be again!

All these thoughts raced through my mind, I could not stick to one of them. I was in a spiritual tangle of spheres, people, animal and nature, all whirling into each other.

Then suddenly there was peace and I heard a voice say within me: ‘Who instigated her, who was the one who destroyed our happiness?’

But I could not keep this thought either as it was pushed aside by others. Again I cried for help but I felt that my throat was closed up. My cry for help was a nasty, hoarse sound, the cry of an insane person. And there was that darkness which I could not understand. I saw no star, no flash of light. I had nothing to hold on to. I cursed the moment I had dreamt and everything related to my life on earth. It was a mess of many problems I could not make sense of. I got no reply from God. I did not see the brother and there was no creature near me. Once more I cried at the top of my voice until my throat seemed to crack up, but the brother didn’t come. Call me when you think you need me, he had said. Now I was screaming and still nobody came to me. I cursed all those problems, cursed myself, my wife on earth and all that was in and around me. I cursed all those silent people who were working on themselves, dreaming and thinking over and over again what they had experienced, and who passed me by like living dead. I cursed the moment I had arrived here. Was this supposed to be my heaven in life after death? I was in a mad house and everyone who spoke to me as well as those walking around in nature were all intellectual lunatics.

I was overcome by an other dizzy turn so that I laid down again. But I could not sleep, however much I wanted to. One thought followed another, I was hopelessly confused by my condition. I wanted to sleep and couldn’t. In my sick head everything whirled into each other to the extent that I lost what little concentration I had. I who was nothing battered on that nothing while I thought that I would lose consciousness. But I didn’t, I remained conscious, but I could not sleep. Insanity was in and around me and in all those people, all these spiritual powers and acquiring it must be the work of the devil. This demon must have me in his power, I had lost my way and had landed in this terrible place. This idea put me in such a state that I thought my mind would explode if help did not come soon.

If the people who live here want to help others they should come and help me now and if they could read other people’s thoughts they should hear me. But where were they? There was no sign of these people. Poor devils they were just like me, they were only imagining things. Levels in the spirit, I had to laugh at it. All these different levels made me mad. Ah, you people with all your good qualities, come to me then, come, I need you, I need help. ‘Help, help’, I shouted again, trying to contact them, but there was no reply.

That dark grey nature depressed me. Where had I turned up? What an agonizing mood I was in, I had never before known this. I was not myself, that I felt clearly. But how had I actually got in this situation? I suffered from intense thirst, I wanted to drink and ran off to find the ditch I had seen earlier. But however much I searched I could not find it. Oh, that terrible thirst!

What was it that the brother had said? ‘You have no thirst and no hunger and there is no illness! You need not feel ill for you live in the spirit and have died on earth! Your life is a life in the mind, if you would only accept that.’ Didn’t I accept then? Didn’t I think? I was losing my mind! And in addition the brother had said: ‘I have been on earth just like you, I lived there, but in a different condition.’ Nonsense, senseless talk, the way lunatics talk, nothing but nonsense. Here live only lunatics, I was sure about that now. ‘We are brothers and sisters in the spirit’, I heard him say who had told me all this rubbish. They lived for God, they lived for all people. They lived for those who came to them but they left me alone in this wretched condition a human being could possibly be in. If I was no longer normal, they weren’t either.

Deep within me I felt a burning pain. It was a strange sensation which I could not describe. It was as if I was being consumed and scorched. The burning sensation intensified my thirst.

These feelings faded however and I began to think again, for I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to know what that gossip on earth meant. It worried me and I kept thinking about it, these thoughts forced themselves on me. How could I find out? How mean it was to speak of me like that.

While I was back on earth in my mind and listened to that conversation I suddenly felt peace coming over me. I thought to be able to concentrate better or did I imagine that? No, I was at peace and listened attentively. I was also careful, I concentrated on myself because I wanted to remain in one condition. If I could manage I would make progress.

I said to myself: ‘Gerhard, what are you doing, you will be losing your mind if you don’t keep calm! Why do you get so angry? Yes, what for?’ I felt I became quiet, very quiet, but I continued: ‘Are you dead or are you alive?’ Yes, I was dead but alive at the same time.

Now I heard a voice within me saying: ‘Doesn’t this mean anything to you?’ Yes, it did mean quite a lot but what? Whom were these thoughts coming from. They were not mine anyway, but who could it be?

I did not receive an answer and began to think again. If I was dead anyway why should I be bothered with that gossip on earth? I was not there any more and gossip was a run-of-the-mill event. People were mean and why should I get angry over that? Did I still have anything to do with it? Strange, now that I had calmed down I was no longer thirsty, I had no pain and my illness had nearly gone. It all had practically disappeared now that I felt relaxed. The light was changing because it was not so dark any more.

‘Keep calm now’, I said to myself, ‘don’t lose your temper again. Remain quiet, Gerhard, you are doing all right now, the problem will be solved for you. Think, but stay calm.’

Something awoke in me which made me feel a kind of happiness. I was still feeling calm but I hardly dared to think for fear of getting angry again. I put a wall of self-preservation around me, as I did not want to slide back into that previous condition for anything. I was trembling on my feet.

‘Stay the way you now are, Gerhard, hold on!’ Involuntarily I repeated the brother’s words. ‘Hold on to the fact that you have nothing more to do with the earth, then you’ll progress.’ I repeated these words many times and I succeeded in staying calm.

Still I should think over otherwise I would not get any further. I wanted to get out of here, as soon as possible I had to learn everything. I felt that something had to be sorted out and I thought of my wife and the other person I had not seen. What they had said to each other was terrible but did it really concern me? If I had been on earth what would I have done? Give her proof by talking to her. Precisely, I would talk, but would I gain anything by it? If she did not believe me there was nothing I could do about it and I had to accept it. Then why did I not accept it?

‘Detach yourself, Gerhard, get rid of all those thoughts, you have got nothing to do with that, for you have died on earth. You are away, far away from the earth.’

That very moment something broke within me and a glowing beam of light pierced through the darkness and made me intensely happy. I felt and understood that I had forgotten myself. Life on earth had nothing to do with me any more, which meant that I should put that life out of my mind and change my way of thinking and if I did so I felt happy. Then I would be free from illness and thirst and all other torments. Yes, that was it, I had been having wrong thoughts. I had brought myself into this situation because I did not control myself. But… then? I did not dare to think how many lives and the love of all those people here I had ridiculed and cursed. How could I have forgotten myself like that? I buried my head in my hands and dared to see no more light. How terribly I had been behaving! I looked around me but there was no being near me. Would God know everything? Then I bowed my head deeply and I felt miserably. How I had suffered! I had fought a horrible fight. For nothing? How could I ever make up for it. Would it be possible? Could I ever do this?

There was something that made me feel happy, it was deep within me. If I listened to it silently I could feel it and when I felt it I could hear it. Was it something beautiful? Was this happiness? Although I was dead, I was alive, that was the happiness I felt. Yes, oh God, I felt it, I had conquered something and through that struggle I had discarded my earthly life. I felt free, completely free from the earth. How ignorant man is, I thought, who exchanges earthly life with spiritual life. How incomprehensible man is when he does not understand himself and life. I thought about everything I had just been through. I had faced a problem and that problem had been solved in myself. I did not believe that I had died but now that I accepted it everything in me changed and my illness and misery went. I had not been able to accept because I thought in an earthly way; I had been a living dead throughout that period.

All these dreaming people here were now dear to me, I loved them because I belonged to them and I asked them to forgive me. I wanted to make up for everything, because I now understood why my suit was made of rubber and why, for the time being, it would remain so. I felt more alive and I saw light, though it was only a small weak glow. I had now entered this life and cast off earthly life. It had to be so, it couldn’t be otherwise. Because I had lost my temper I had in my mind returned to life on earth, so that my illness and all those other torments had come back. If I could remain in this new condition nothing from the earth could trouble me any more. It had been horrible, but I had gone through it once and for all and I would take care that it would not return. Deep inside me was a spark of that wonderful power the brother possessed.

Who on earth thinks that he knows himself. How much had I suffered for that! When man faces the decisive moment he will curse everything as I did until the moment of acceptance. Everybody has to learn to master himself as I had, at any rate partly, done. For I felt that I had still more bad qualities which I had to conquer and change in the spirit. However, in this struggle I had conquered myself. I had discarded my life on earth and had entered spiritual life. To conquer myself I had beaten and lashed myself. Now I could bow my head, yet I was only at the beginning of the long eternal way. So much more was yet to come which I had to acquire. Every person will face a hard struggle before one conquers himself. Nobody will escape this either here or in life on earth. Those who start the struggle already on earth are the blessed ones and do not have to go through so much on this side. We have to continue this struggle and discard our negative qualities until nothing is left. Then we are in that large infinite space and everyone knows us and reads our mind but then we no longer have anything to hide. That’s the way I felt this within me, that is what I should become.

Yes, dear brother, now I was able to understand you better. Now I felt happiness and was not sleepy any more. Nothing troubled me at this moment and I sat there with both hands supporting my head and I could contemplate everything. Happiness and peace had entered my mind.

Suddenly I heard a soft voice, which I recognized and had come to love, saying to me: ‘Well, brother Gerhard, my friend.’

Gerhard? Never before had the brother called me by my name and it was him speaking to me, it could not be otherwise. Did he know my name? It had an attractive sound. It caressed me and did me good to hear my name being said. But I did not dare to look at the brother so I remained sitting in the same position while he continued to speak.

‘Truly, a life and death struggle, the fight to enter eternal life from earth.’

His love penetrated me, but I did not stir. Hadn’t I cursed him and everyone here a little while earlier?

Then I heard him say: ‘You had to sort this out by yourself, I could not help you, you had to awaken. All people who arrive here are faced with the same struggle over and over again until they accept. You have dropped two properties which both belonged to the earth. One was death and the other anger. You have acquired self-control now. God will reward you for every victory gained over yourself. You have suffered, but death gave you eternal life in return and by self-control you obtained that blessed peace which is the tranquillity of the spirit. Death took you to darkness and collapse, the other destroyed your hatred and smothered your violent feelings. It is certainly worthwhile to struggle with yourself. The happiness you now feel is the result and reward. Many people fail because they lack the strength. Keep going on, Gerhard, my friend and brother, I’ll help you in everything. You thought you heard your wife speak, but let me explain this to you.’

I pricked up my ears; what did that mean?

The brother continued: ‘I wanted to put an end to it altogether. I had made calculations and knew that you would be able to master yourself and I felt how far I could go. I played a game, a most dangerous game, with your whole personality at stake. Yet, I did not risk anything for I knew that you would succeed, because I knew you. Once I was in a similar condition, but through different forces and I was helped as well. You had to lose yourself, you discarded everything and you won. I, Gerhard, broke you so that your earthly attachment has gone. Through a vision I connected you with the earth again and put two contradictory forces into your mind and made you hear untruthful things. It was I who spoke, not your wife. Consequently, what you experienced – yes, look at me, Gerhard – happened through my will because I wanted to free you. You had an experience in the spirit, by spiritual influence you have fought with yourself.’

I looked up at the brother and he felt what I was thinking.

‘I too’, he said, ‘cursed life.’

‘But I cursed in ignorance.’

‘God will forgive you as he forgave me. Stand up and come with me, I thank you for the willpower you have shown.’

I took the brother’s hands and kissed them.

‘Not that, Gerhard, not me, but thank God for everything. And now, follow me.’

Arm in arm we returned to the building and I felt like the prodigal son coming back. I had become a different person.

‘Now you are free’, the brother said, ‘and now the time has come to return to the earth, this is your reward.’

‘To the earth?’ I asked in amazement.

‘Yes, to the earth. Don’t you want to see your family? Your wife and child for example?’

‘O, yes, I would love to see them again.’

‘Then I’ll be back to fetch you, for I’ll leave you for a short while as you’ll feel the need to be with yourself.’

The brother left. At once I knelt down and prayed intensely to my great Father whom I asked forgiveness. After that a soothing peace flowed within me and I laid down to contemplate and rest. All was quiet within me now, nothing disturbed the peace and I felt happy, the first natural happiness since my death on earth.